@WorkingMom86: My son plays this game where he's a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
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@Mr_Kapowski: Coworkers: Zack, you should come to a hookah bar with us! Me: Why? Who's celebrating their 12th birthday?
@AbbieEvansXO: GHOST TEEN: [sneaks back in at 2am] GHOST MUM: [waiting up 4 him] you're busted! GHOST DAD: Jesus Karen ground him don't BUST him holy shit
@Parentpains: According to the police report, waking up in your lover's arms is only romantic when they know how you got in their house.
@markhoppus: "The concept of romantic love is obsolete in the modern era" I declare loudly to no one in particular as I grab for another dinner roll.