My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
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ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”