[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
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Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Pretty much. 🤣
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.