My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
You Might Also Like
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!