My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
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If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.