@gerryhallcomedy: My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there - so he'd see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
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@Cheeseboy22: Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
@bransonreese: My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
@Rollmaninoz: Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear... [2 days later] *Caesar opens mailbox* "oh FFS Van Gogh IT'S A SAYING!!!!!'
@TheTweetOfGod: The entire history of the universe could be seen as a slow growth, expansion and coalescence of consciousness, were it not for Sarah Palin.