Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
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the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Mountain Goat : )
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary