My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
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my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Watermelon Boss!
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out