flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
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You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Sending in my taxes
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
what?
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”