I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
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*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.