My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
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Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Every. Damn. Time.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut