My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
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*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.