My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
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Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Unimpressed
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
security at the airport getting more straightforward
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.