My spirit animal is fried chicken
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I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Brother?
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*