If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
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FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.