After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
You Might Also Like
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Go girl power!
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
me, after any kind of buffet.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.