Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
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[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.