@gavinpivott: My step-dad's pretty cool. Not as cool as my fence-dad, though. Roof-dad is okay. What is a father?
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@TweetPotato314: The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
@NicCageMatch: The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
@Black__Elvis: My girlfriend accused me of sleeping with her sister and I was like, "How can that be possible when her snoring keeps me up all night?"