@thesulk: My stomach just made the sound of a 68-year-old Long Island woman seeing her granddaughter for the first time.
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@bazecraze: It's only been a few days, but I'm starting to forget everything I knew about Mitch Romley.
@atDevin: What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven? If you guessed "Heaven nun" or "Angel nun" you're wrong. The answer was "Nun of the Above".
@huntigula: GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge? ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
@ArfMeasures: ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description? ME: It's like a big, fast dog