@thesulk: My stomach just made the sound of a 68-year-old Long Island woman seeing her granddaughter for the first time.
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@KevinFarzad: According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that's why it's so tragically hard to meet
@the_gramble: Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
@DaHess1: Her: What's your fantasy? Me: Movie theaters that charge kids 3 and under $500 per ticket.
@jwoodham: The only way I'm coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.