My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
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I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I feel seen.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.