My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
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Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.