My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
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(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I think they could have phrased this better
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice