My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
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“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Banking tips
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”