You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
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high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
There’s only one good girl here!
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.