Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
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3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”