@SexySpainNights: My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
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@pleatedjeans: Fun way to prank Jesus is to invite him snorkeling haha he'd be stuck on top walking on the water while ur underneath having all the fun
@WhatevaConc: Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
@iGreenMonk: How boring my life has become! The only time I hear myself say, "I'm coming" is when I'm trying to tell my dog I'm getting his food ready!
@Macar00ny: Give a man a subtweet and he'll be like "is this about me?" Teach a man to subtweet you'll be like "is that about me?"