My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
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Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
The days of good grammer has went
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.