*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
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I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Try and stop me.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.