@B0niferd: My swimsuit told me to go to the gym today but my sweatpants were like nah girl you're good.
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@TheCiscoKidder: Wife: Go out for breakfast? Me: Sure! Wife: Ok, let me shower first. *showers, dresses & puts on makeup* Me: Where should we have lunch?
@LeeryLeary: The fact that the British call math "maths" scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
@silvertongue37: My ex wife recently told me I run away from my problems. Apparently not far enough.
@VerifiedDrunk: Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby Case of beer: I have a boyfriend