@B0niferd: My swimsuit told me to go to the gym today but my sweatpants were like nah girl you're good.
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@amishschool: Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn't pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
@KalvinMacleod: [inventing flies] GOD: make them eat shit ANGEL: got it GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
@texasstalkermom: I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don't show up there.