@B0niferd: My swimsuit told me to go to the gym today but my sweatpants were like nah girl you're good.
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@Home_Halfway: SON: Dad what is that? ME: *Trying to remember the name of a whale* Boy that's a sea moose
@1evilidiot: [couples therapy] "Have you tried sexy lingerie?" me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn't she make herself some pets? I'd have like 50 snowcats by now.
@pinupteacher: I walk into the main office of a new school: Secretary: You a sub? *cheeks blush* Me: Who have you been talking to?