My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
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I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Awesome parenting 😂
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.