My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
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Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich