My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
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Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp