My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
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there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.