My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
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[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else