My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
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My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic