My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
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Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.