My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
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My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
is it earth
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle