@mynameshank: My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
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@david8hughes: [911 call] "My hand's stuck in a blender!" "Turn it on then." "What?" " I can't hear it, turn it on so I know you're not lying."
@KalvinMacleod: CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity? ME: no thank you SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
@XplodingUnicorn: My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, "Don't worry, Dad. I'm OK." Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
@lovemydogduck: My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies