We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
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Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.