until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
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I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
New tinder profile pic
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”