The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
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One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.