My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
You Might Also Like
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?