@lovemydogduck: My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
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@david8hughes: [date] Me: you wanna see what desserts they have? Wife: how about we go home & I'll let you- Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
@murderbytweets: In Hell, someone is constantly vacuuming while you're trying to explain directions to an old man.
@vapidaccount: It's really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs. The more you know.
@citizenkawala: Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.