My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
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Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Breaking news:
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6