My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
You Might Also Like
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
When you’ve simply given up.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.