I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
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Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.