The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
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By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Snapes on a plane.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!