@NJPsychDoc: My therapist says that to be happy in marriage, never go to sleep mad at each other. Been mad at my wife 2 months straight cause of insomnia
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@BritXNic: Unless you met your spouse while committing a diamond heist, I don't need to hear how you got together.
@NicestHippo: [doing standup] So I live in Kansas— [hysterical laughter] That…that wasn't the joke
@the_moonface: I touch myself when I think of you. It's not what you're thinking, I'm mostly scratching my head wondering what I saw in you.
@SaraMansford: Pro tip: If you forget their name after a one night stand, just take them to Starbucks in the morning.