So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
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[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
i love meeting boys on tinder
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?