I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
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#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.