@AaronCSU54: My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
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@Ant_F3ltz: Little known fact: If you ride any animal in the zoo for more than 30 seconds... it's yours to keep.
@SteveKoehler22: Remember that it's "i before e" ... Except when feigning a heist on a weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
@juliussharpe: I just saw an ad for a bulletproof briefcase. The real question is: why does your briefcase have so many enemies?
@WisdomGifs: You'd think that atoms bonding with other atoms would mean they're being friendly, but really they steal each other's electrons. How ionic.