My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
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Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
*pronounces fake like saké*
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*