@BromanConsul: My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he's just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
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@QwertyJones3: *Girl comes out in a slinky dress* ME: Ooh that looks like fun *I push her down the stairs*
@murrman5: [ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected] camera guy: don't try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
@TheTweetOfGod: I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.