@BromanConsul: My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he's just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
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@RidiculousSheri: *me looking at a police lineup* Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
@crunkdumpster: Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart. "I'll be beethoven!" Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be? "I'LL BE BACH."
@bornmiserable: You know you're on drugs when you're talking to your kids about drugs and you don't have any kids.
@JMNuch23: When a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with, multiply by 3 and add the number of guys in her phone named Tyler