@DirtMcTurd: My thoughts today are like underwear, I don't have any clean ones.
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@TheCiscoKidder: The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
@KyleMcDowell86: A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
@Neauxpe: A bunch of black dudes were standing in front of my gardening equipment. Bros before hoes.
@JamesBarretts: Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity