A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
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We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.