@DirtMcTurd: My thoughts today are like underwear, I don't have any clean ones.
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@nachosarah: the only reason you should be showing me pictures of your kids is if they're missing or you want them to be
@ImaFlyontheWall: Drunk me used to set a "Mystery Alarm" on my phone to pop up and confuse daytime sober me
@Rollmaninoz: Cop: *with my license* says here you're supposed to wear glasses Me: I have contacts Cop: I don't care who you know, put your glasses on
@iamspacegirl: autocorrect: Tim! me: No no, autocorrect, this is TOM we know him. autocorrect*growling*: Tim. me *spritzing phone with water*: NO.