* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
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“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
He-man has a Masters degree
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!