You Might Also Like
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
A customer told me they were never coming back….
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles